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February 2009

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I haven’t had that moment yet where everything just clicks. There have been no epiphanies or shining lights that have made me feel as if McGill is where I really belong. It’s a beautiful city, a great school, and an amazing opportunity. But those things don’t make it for me here. I just don’t feel as if I belong here. Every day I am here I am reminded of Portland, of my friends, of my family, in ways that make me wish I’d never left; make me wonder why I did.
I don’t feel like I chose here for the right reasons. I feel like I chose to come to McGill because the reasons were ones I wanted to be true for me, rather than actually saw as true; were ones that Cris and Brad pressured me into believing, and I completely fell for it. So now, here I am 3000 miles away from home, in a city where I don’t speak the language, with few new close friends, two old ones who I hardly see, and alone in my sentiments. I don’t want to be the lame kid, like a few others on my floor even, who is ready to go home so quickly. But unless it gets better here as the term goes on, I don’t think I’ll be staying at McGill for the entire year, even if that means I move in with my parents and don’t attend school again until next fall.
I left everything I love behind for essentially nothing. I left the man I love because I was too blind to see what we were becoming, I left my closest friends, just to discover that I couldn’t live without them here, I left my family who spent months trying to convince me to stay because they love me and don’t want me so far away.
My biggest fear is how people will judge me if that’s the case. And I know it’s irrational and at least I will have tried, but it would still be hard to cope with not knowing what others really thought. Also, what happens if I do transfer home, and by then, Edgar and I are completely over? How awkward would that be? After all of the drama that we went through when I went away, to have me come home when it’s too late?