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February 2009

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Cynicism.

Sometimes I really do hate to be cynical, and I hate to doubt so much, but generally I have good reason. Wherever my apparently clairvoyant reasons come from, I find myself consistently having to train my mind to forget whatever I built myself up to, because I know it is going to crumble beneath me. I'd much rather rescue myself early than fall with the structure, and risk being crushed beneath the rubble.

Part of my cynicism stems from my experiences and desires for the opposite sex. No matter how much I tell myself that males are a trivial pursuit that should not carry so much weight, I consistently find myself returning to that innate drive I feel to find someone to be close with. Not even necessarily physically, (although that is a bonus), but emotionally. I have an addiction, of sorts, to connections with other people. I love to feel close to people, and my friends do serve much of that purpose. But, as I believe many understand, there is a kind of connection that can only be forged with a combination of physical and emotional elements.

Therein lies my internal dilemma. I am constantly in search of the person who will be able to fill that position in my life. Recently, I believed that I had been close to completing my quest, just to turn around and find that I was either incorrect, or had lost what I had wanted before I'd even attained it. Clearly there is something wrong with my tactics, but I have no clue what it is. I also find myself constantly wondering how to tell whether or not I'm succeeding in my efforts. Just when I'm working toward my goal, making significant progress in one area, or finding someone new, they move on to one of my friends. Seemingly the exact formula for every male in my life.

It's probably about time for me to hang up my running shoes for a spell, so to speak, for my sanity and for my time.

I think it's about time I gave up.

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