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Jan. 28th, 2008

Everyone else writes about snow, but whatever.

I can't believe it snows on a day off.

Jan. 11th, 2008

Dear World.

1. I know that I am constantly stressed about something. You don't need to point it out, or ask me about it, because stress is where I thrive.
2. I don't give a fuck if you think that me being worried about things like following the rules and not disappointing someone is dumb. It's my life, not yours.
3. I realize that I intimidate people, and that sometimes when I walk down the hall I don't look super welcoming. I shouldn't have to say hi to a million people, or smile constantly, or dance around. I'm not trying to impress anyone, I owe nothing to anyone.
4. I'm allowed to fail sometimes too, and say stupid things. I don't have to be perfect 100% of the time.
5. I am a female, regardless of what you may think, which means I can do things that make me "such a female" without it being an insult. I'll just start calling you male if you don't shut up. Unless you have a vagina too, which is quite possible.
6. When I tell you something bothers me, or if you can clearly see that it does, don't try to make me feel worse or point out that I appear weak. Only assholes do this. That makes you an asshole. I have no place in my group of friends for these.
7. I don't have to do everything, all of the time. If I don't want to give you a ride, or hang out with you, don't be dumb about it. I like to be alone sometimes. I like to hang out with other people or my family. I have my own life.
8. I'm not bitter. I only appear as such toward you because you are an asshole, and constantly make me angry. You wonder why I'm always so grumpy? It's because of you. And you know what? You'll never even read this.

Thanks for tuning in,
Sincerely,
Courtney

Fuck.

Again, why do I always want things that I can't have? I just need someone to spend time with, someone who can tell me - however cheesy this is - that it will be okay, and that I'm not kidding myself. Being independent isn't all it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. I'm sick of people who don't get me, who don't appreciate me. I'm fucking sick of high school.

Not just that, but I need to move on. I love my friends, and I love my teachers, but I can't do it anymore. I need to experience my own life, but goodbyes are impossible now, because no one will get how much I need to let go. There would be anger, and tears, and big debaucles not worth the drama. Being that bluntly honest comes with a price, that I've paid more times than I can count. Be careful how unafraid of judgement you are, because until you've known what it's like for someone to actually be Afraid of you, you don't know how much it hurts.

Desire.

Why do I always want things I can't have?

Jan. 6th, 2008

Musing.

To Muse: 1. to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject. 3. to meditate on.
4. to comment thoughtfully or ruminate upon.

Do I really want to meditate on the past year? Not that 2007 isn't worth remembering, but always, it seems, retrospect brings with it regret, overanalyzation, and remembering what could have gone differently. I think that is enough to delay a complete review, at least for now.

Where will 2008 take me? I'm not sure yet, but I like the look of the prospects. New year, here I come.

Dec. 16th, 2007

Winter Formal.



The dance itself was interesting. The lights were on, and the only thing linked to Polar Express was the fact that we were at the train station. The DJ sucked and played way too many slow songs, and way too many songs with a slow beat. This normally wouldn't be problematic, but when your date can't hear, there are problems. I spent most of the night stuck dancing with Brian only during the slower beat songs, which meant that I had to guide his hips the whole time because he's deaf.

Then I spent the other part of the night arguing with him about gender roles, because I insisted on paying for something, and he wouldn't let me. Boys are dumb. Not only that, but he spent the whole night being annoying, as usual. Even though I prefaced it and told him we'd be nice to each other. Yeah right.

Not only that, but I went with group of people who aren't really my friends. At all. So Elliott and I pretty much spent the whole night rolling our eyes at each other and sitting in a corner with Allisha, ignoring everyone else. So fun.

Nov. 19th, 2007

Inspiring Change.

The hardest thing about being a part of change, especially radical change, is weighing the costs and benefits. It's difficult to decide whether your impact will be large enough, and display the message you're trying to get across well enough to balance out the fact that you may have to sacrifice something you love in the name of the cause.

I just hope I'm strong enough to make the change.

Nov. 12th, 2007

Lack of Focus.

I am failing miserably at focusing on this ToK essay, which also happens to be 1/3 of my IB ToK grade. Shit.

Oh well, I have relatively good faith at my writing-at-the-last-minute-and-still-doing-alright skills.

It's just really hard to not get distracted by music, the internet, and the not-even-related-to-ToK thoughts racing through my head. And the fact that I just used dashed phrases twice. That's a problem.

Ugh. Why can't I focus?

Oct. 8th, 2007

College Essay.

Is it weird that I'm thinking of adapting this (Old Entry) into my college essay? I have no clue how. But it was just an idea.

Sep. 16th, 2007

(no subject)

Technically I should be working on my Extended Essay right now, which I am, but only in part. It's almost impossible for me to focus - I am so easily distracted by chatting, reading other things, listening to music, and probably most consuming, dwelling on my current status.

I had coffee with a friend last night, and, as usual, our conversation strayed toward relationships. Every time we hang out this happens. One of us is stuck to the past, and struggling to hang on, and the other is trying to figure out what happened, and what they missed, and how they can fix it. Both of us are stubborn. This is generally a bad mix, but I'd like to be optimistic and think our persistence will eventually be rewarded, whether it's with the people we're pursuing or not. Realistically, I think we're destined to be spinsters. Or maybe that's just my cynical side talking? Who knows.

I found my diary that I kept for most of July, and then gave up on. It chronicles the time from when I watched "Office Space" with Daniel on Friday, July 15th; covering my time in Sunriver; Relay for Life; Will, Daniel, and my "epic" adventure to get Harry Potter at midnight on July 21st; my first 5k of the season at Westview; and finally ending on July 27th - the day I sprained my ankle. So really it only covered about two weeks, and actually missed the first two weeks of July, which were arguably some of the best of my summer, but it still makes me miss summer, and wonder where it went. It's also funny to read some of the things I recorded; things which I felt were probably pretty stupid to write down at the time, but that now I'm glad I did, because it's the little things that count.

Unfortunately, reflecting on what did happen this summer makes me wish that some things had gone differently, or at least that I'd been more confident with myself. Such is life, I suppose. And however much I had hoped that I'd been able to follow my own advice, I still really enjoyed myself, and I enjoyed getting better acquainted with some extremely intriguing people, who I value so much more now.

Thank you, cosmos, for bestowing upon me such luck. Although, at the same time, curse you for making me so attached and confused.

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